You are here
Home > Lifestyle > Dining > BREAKING NEWS: Giant Monster Menaces Uptown (April Fools)

BREAKING NEWS: Giant Monster Menaces Uptown (April Fools)

Citizen reporter Johnny Pommegraine’s iPhone picture of the monster after it emerged from the Walker Art Center’s Sculpture Garden.

A giant monster has hatched from an egg discovered during I-94 construction and is menacing Uptown Minneapolis. The egg was discovered by an MnDOT construction crew working on the Lowry Hill Tunnel. The crew broke through a tunnel wall, discovering a room filled with strange crystals and a mysterious, glowing egg. The egg hatched during the early hours of the morning, shortly before dawn.

The egg discovered by an MnDOT construction crew last night. The crew was reportedly drilling concrete cores from the western wall of the Lowry Hill Tunnel when the wall unexpectedly collapsed, revealing a massive cavern underneath the Walker Art Center’s Sculpture Garden.

The glowing egg hatched after construction crews started posing with it and taking selfies. The crews’ camera flashes caused the egg to shake and crack, while the crystals around it took on an ominous red glow. MnDOT quickly evacuated the tunnel; MnDOT Communications Director Kevin Gutknecht said in a statement, “It is a tribute to the professionalism of our staff that no one was hurt, despite all electronic devices failing and the tunnel being plunged into darkness.”

MnDOT also praised the design of the Lowry Hill Tunnel, stating that the monster hurled itself at the tunnel walls before deciding to burrow out to the west. The tunnel, which uses a reinforced concrete rigid frame design, was constructed in 1969 to minimize the impact of I-94 on neighboring historic properties and cultural institutions. The use of concrete with this design was highly novel at the time, and assisted with absorbing several impacts from the creature. The frustrated creature emerged from the ground in the middle of the Walker Art Center’s Sculpture Garden and headed immediately towards the Basilica of St. Mary, drawn by its illuminated dome and massive rose window.

A red “X” marks the emergence point of the monster on this map of the Sculpture Garden’s new design. Courtesy of the Walker Art Center.

After trampling Loring Park, the monster headed south down Hennepin Avenue towards Uptown, apparently drawn by the smell of breakfast preparations. It tore through The Lowry, Uptown Diner, and Barbette before heading west on Lake Street, trampling the boathouse, and submerging itself in Lake Calhoun.

“Why oh why did this monster have such good taste in brunch?” lamented Uptown Diner owner John McCarty. “Why did it have to like our famous buttermilk pineapple upside-down pancakes, served with housemade vanilla creme and cinnamon butter? There’s a perfectly good Giordano’s down the street that it could have trashed instead!”

Barbette owner Kim Bartmann concurred, stating, “I wouldn’t have minded so much if it had taken out Bearcat Bar, but we just added the Trapeze champagne bar to Barbette last summer. I had to cancel so many OpenTable reservations after this – this thing – devoured all of our award-winning French cuisine and half of my brunch staff. I myself was really looking forward to our daily quiche with petite verdures mixte and a piece of flourless chocolate torte for dessert.”

The Lowry’s co-owner David Burley said, simply, “It must have come from St. Paul. Nothing good ever does,” apparently referring to the Minnesota Wild’s recent performance.

Emergency services, the Minnesota National Guard, and the Department of Natural Resources were reportedly disputing jurisdiction for giant monster responses at press time.

Hanne Appelbaum